Developing Interpersonal Skills through the Taming of the Tongue - Ms. Jessy Johnson OSB Pune

Developing Interpersonal Skills through the Taming of the Tongue

Jessy Johnson
Faculty Member,
Omegan School of Business,
Pune
jessy.johnson@gmail.com

In our quest to become Effective Leaders, it is pertinent to add to the list – the taming of the tongue. For to have control over one’s tongue is to reach a level of perfection where the whole body is held in tight rein. Consider the ability of man – Once we put a bit in the horse’s mouth to make it do what we want, we have the whole animal under our control. Or think of ships: no matter how big they are, even if a gale is driving them, they are directed by a tiny rudder wherever the whim of the helmsman decides. So the tongue is only a tiny part of the body, but its boasts are great. Think how small a flame can set fire to a huge forest; the tongue is a flame too. Among all the parts of the body; the tongue is a whole wicked world: it infects the whole body; catching fire itself from hell, it sets fire to the whole wheel of creation, Wild animals and birds, reptiles and fish of every kind can all be tamed and have been tamed by humans; but nobody can tame the tongue – it is a pest that will not keep still, full of deadly poison. We use it to bless the Lord and Father but we also use it to curse people who are made in God’s image: the blessing and curse come out of the same mouth. My brothers, this must be wrong- does any water supply give a flow of fresh water and salt water out of the same pipe? Can a fig tree yield olives, my brothers or a vine yield figs? No more can sea water yield fresh water. James: 3:1-12.

The above passage from the Bible throws lights on the ability of man to do exceptionally difficult tasks successfully and yet he is unable to tame his own tongue. On one hand, the author views the tongue as a pest capable of releasing deadly poison and on the other hand, he speaks about the goodness that can emanate from the tongue. This is double mindedness and calls for taming of the tongue such that it becomes a channel or a wellspring of positive communication.

Of what value would the taming or the control of the tongue benefit a budding professional? Management we have learnt is the art of getting things done through others; yet it begins with managing ourselves.

There goes a story of a wise hermit who relates his experience of managing others. In the first 25 years of his life, he focused on managing and changing the world. Unhappy with his attempt, he shifted his focus for the next 25 years to his family but to no avail. He then realized that the change that he was referring to had to begin with him. This attempt he began to make in the latter 25 years and was pleased with the result. With his change, he had better relationship with his family; his outlook towards the world too had changed. Life was never so meaningful. “Alas”, he thought to himself at a ripe old age, “I wish I had begun the process of transformation earlier in my life!”

The control of the tongue is imperative in the process of change and transformation. When we are caught up with obstacles or called to put forth our thoughts (feedback) our tongue recoils and we plunge into self pity, remorse and hatred. When it becomes intolerable, we have no control over the tongue and may sometimes abuse causing havoc and disruption in relationships.

Interpersonal skills we often say are the hallmark of a good manager. A wise man/woman will use the tongue effectively to encourage and support his/her team. When it comes to reprimanding the team, he/she will use restraint to speak the rights words at the appropriate time i.e. timely feedback, focusing on the weakness rather than on the person, reprimanding in private, when necessary so that the self-esteem of the team member is well-intact, listening attentively so that the person is given a fair opportunity to express his/her point of view. As a Manager and Leader, we must use the tongue effectively to lavish praise and applaud the efforts of a team member. To acknowledge the efforts of a team member goes a long way in boosting the individual’s morale as well as builds the loyalty of the person to the organization. We must make it a point to not only be critical but also applaud a good performance.

Also a good leader stays away from flattery. Flattery is empty and unproductive. It may fetch us instant support but the moment we are exposed, it will rob us of our integrity. Any feedback that we hence provide will go unnoticed and unacknowledged. Similarly, boasting about one’s caliber and competence only is not as effective as a modest, yet confident performance that speaks twice about our abilities.


An approach to Taming the Tongue:
Short Tempered, Partial, Aggressive are Weaknesses or Areas of Improvement that we highlight. The question is – Do we want to work in rectifying these weaknesses and if yes– It calls for Taming of our Tongue.

A Holistic View
We may have our own explanations; what matters however is whether we have taken a holistic view of the situation. Reprimanding someone for a failure or a job not done is not short temperedness so long as we are within control of the choice of words and have not become abusive in our words. If our goal is to improve the situation, then the feedback must be given immediately and objectively. That is, our focus is on the job and not on the person. ‘You are sloppy’ v/s ‘That was a sloppy job’ – makes a lot of difference. In the first case, we are saying that our colleague/team member is Sloppy; whereas in the second case, we are holding their self esteem intact and are only pointing to the job. In other words, we are telling the person that the job could be done better. Sometimes, on the spot feedback must be avoided especially, in the presence of other people -for public feedback can lead to very embarrassing situations for the receiver.

Before, arriving at any conclusion, it is important that we hear all parties concerned. It’s very tricky, when we receive feedback esp. negative from one party against another. At this point of time, as a leader we must reserve our opinion on the subject, until we have heard the other party too. Very often feedback received could be peppered with fake information. To avoid any damage, we should buy time to authenticate the information.


Inebriated Conditions
In an inebriated condition especially, we may not have control over our tongue and soon enough the beans are spilled and the worst is said and displayed much to the chagrin of others.

It’s sensible therefore to refrain or have limited quantity of alcohol to have a rein on our tongue.

Aggressive Behavior
Aggressive Behavior is a Win-Lose Situation where we want to win; no matter what happens to the others. So crazy are we about winning that we may resort to any measure to get our way and get our way, we certainly will; but perhaps only for a short while. Aggressive behavior is vexatious to the spirit and if it becomes part of our personality, sooner or later we will be seen as an obstruction in the wheel, which has to be extracted for the betterment of the system.

Instead assertiveness can be nurtured by providing space for co-existence, allowing others to also express themselves, just like the harmonious functioning of the human body; where the heart, mind, limbs, eyes, ears and every other organ must co-ordinate with each other. The eye cannot say to the hand “That I don’t need you” nor the head say to the feet “I have no need of you”. If one part is hurt, all the parts share its pain and if one part is honored, all the parts share its joy.

Email Etiquette
Control of the tongue can also be extended to email etiquette. The same rules apply. Where verbal dialogue is possible, email communication should be avoided. In many cases, conflicts occur due to mis-interpretation of email messages resulting in a spate of hate mails.

On the contrary, had the dialogue taken place across the table, the fireworks could be avoided and a mutual understanding could have prevailed.

At Home
As the saying goes, charity begins at home, let the Taming of the tongue be exercised everywhere - even at home. Relationships with parents, spouses and children are very special and need to be harnessed. A kind word can re-assure and satisfy a family member more than all the gold in the world. Relationships break with verbal battles and while it’s turmoil for the family members; it could be entertainment for the neighborhood. We have a choice to keep the tongue reined and listen instead, to put in our views thereafter and even if the relationship cannot be mended; we can still part with kind words. Hard to practice, however, prayers to the Almighty to give us the grace to endure, to tackle the toughest of words and people can fetch us the grace to forgive and pray and bless the person/s instead. And behold! There is transformation in the person/s and in us as well - All because the tongue chose to praise and worship rather than resort into endless verbal dialogues.

To conclude, taming of the tongue is a life-long pursuit, the sooner we begin – the better our relationships.